For those of you who haven’t exited out of this after that sentence, you should know that this post is NOT meant to do the following: Send you into any sort of sad mood.Awaken some sort of bitter memory from the past. Encourage you to have 5 glasses of wine and call an Ex. Or even make you think that I, the writer, have some sort of fascination with writing about “sad things.”
A side note should actually be that I do like sad stuff. Sad songs, sad movies, sad books. Hopefully this doesn’t lead anyone to believe that I’m this odd person that falls asleep with a box of tissues everynight, and if you happen to be one of those people who DO do that, s’all good, we all have our ways of dealing with things and I like to think you’re stronger for it. I like “sad things” not because I enjoy being sad, but there’s almost always a lesson to be learned, a thought to think, a message to take away from the thing itself. Like any emotion, sadness is inevitable. Pain is inevitable.
In case you haven’t guessed, Pain is the “P word”. I felt like talking about it because it’s a significant part of everyone’s lives. I say this because no matter who we are, (or try to be) we’ve all felt emotion. We’ve all felt Pain. And what a strange thought that is, that we can all be bonded because we have all felt the same pang in our souls, whatever the reason may be. There’s the usual Help-My-Boyfriend-Cheated-And-The-World-Is-Over scenario, where revenge or bitterness seems to be driving in the front seat of our lives. There’s the loss of a loved one, where anger and overbearing emptiness can consume us. Maybe we, or someone we know is sick and we’re left asking “Why?”, Or maybe, someone has done a great wrong to us and we feel victimized and helpless. All of these things add up to my one big question: “Is there a method to this madness? Does pain come from pain?”
I like to think that everyone has this “real self.” Like the one we disscuss in my sociology class. Created by Irving Goffman, he suggests that our whole lives are one big stage. That we never show anyone else the truest sides of ourselves. Instead, we hide them away because to do so would be vulnerable. To sell ourselves to other people is simply the best option, and our actions are based upon the audience around us. I also like to think that deep down, everyone is good at heart. “To receive good, you have to do good” a lesson my Father liked to remind me when I was bullied in the 3rd grade. However, a realization came to me recently.
Yes, I have felt pain. I have also made my fair share of mistakes and caused pain, wether I knew it or not. But I never understood WHY I cause it and WHY I felt it. The realization I came to a couple nights ago is that while we are all human and feel the same emotions, our brains don’t all work the same way. We might not sympathize identically to the person sitting next to us, we might laugh at different things. And it occurred to me that I felt constantly disappointed was because I didn’t accept this concept. “Not everyone has the same heart as you.” Meaning, we all deal with things in our own way. (This is where someone reading usually goes “No shit” to themselves while reading.)
Yet few people ever consider what is a vital question — can I suffer with this person? In other words of one of the greatest movies (according to me) Frozen, “Some people are worth Melting for.” It sounds like the beginning of another marriage joke, but it’s not.It’s a real question and one which should be explored by every dating couple. Pain is an inescapable part of life, but if you ask me, Suffering is not.
And the older a person gets, the more we realize that suffering is not a rare occurrence, but is a common aspect of our lives. Sorrow comes in many forms, yet it is guaranteed to come. Some live in denial — unable to confront the deep realities of life and Few have the grace to suffer well. My freshman year of college, I had a handful of friends who had been cheated on in past relationships, and used that as an excuse to get involved in other people’s relationships themselves. “Everyone does it,” They would shrug. “I was hurt, so it’s not my problem because this isn’t my relationship. I’m just having fun.” If you ask me, this mentality is not only selfish, but it is ignorant. It is ignorant because if you have been through the pain of being cheated on, why on earth would you want someone else to experience the same hurt that nearly killed you? We all heal in different ways. But maybe the root of it all is to change this mindset. To do what we can to reduce the hurt.
I like to think of the blame game that is used in this cycle as a synonym to driving. You know, when someone else is driving slow you instantly get pissed off, but yet when someone is riding on the tail of your car in a flipped scenario you get just as mad? It’s the other driver, it’s everyone else on the road except you. You know what you’re doing, and everyone else is wrong. Here’s what I would love to see more of in this world. Humbleness. To take a step back, to swallow your pride and say, “I was wrong for doing that. And I am sorry.” How uncommon is that, for people to admit they were wrong and work on themselves?
This was one of my writings that is all over the place, I know. What I’m really trying to get at is, it is possible to live with pain, and to make the choice and say “I’m not going to do this because it is wrong and this could hurt somebody.” Just to know what is right and wrong, to be considerate of those around you. In 5th grade we learned about domestic violence and how 50% of children who experience spousal abuse in their families have higher risk to be involved in abuse in their own future marriages. I learned then that “being hurt is not and excuse to hurt.” Many want revenge to justify or reduce their own pain. I employ you all to not use this methodology. Instead, know that to forgive is the biggest strength, the most satisfying closure there is. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. Think about it.